This article was first published in 2023. It has been updated for 2025.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year for our American friends, when they get to gather with families and friends to eat mountains of food with forced cheer! There’ll be turkey! Pumpkin pie! Yams with marshmallows or something!
But the festive season is not without its hazards. Racist uncles, dull brothers-in-law, well-meaning aunts: they're all scrambling for things to talk about, and you, a Keen Bicyclist, are a conversational goldmine.
Because we are nothing if not here to help, we have prepared this helpful tool to navigate those discussions: the Escape Collective Banal Bike Conversation Guide.
“Boy howdy, tell ya what, I’ve been wondering: how do pro cyclists go to the toilet?”
Swell question, Uncle Paul. Mostly, both men and women just pull over on the side of the road and do a wee against a guardrail or hedge, but sometimes the guys can flop their peen over the waistband of their bike shorts and do a wee while rolling along. If it’s a number two, well, sometimes they just shit themselves. I know! We are disgusting, aren’t we?!
“How do you pee, kiddo?”
I just piss all over myself.
“Gosh. I picked up one of those fibreglass bikes with the curvy what-cha-ma-call'ems [ed. handlebars] the other day. HOOOOO-EEE! They’re real fricking light, aren’t they?”
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