It is, in many ways, the Met Gala of cycling, and this year we’re treating it with the reverence it deserves – with a fake red carpet show.
For actual proper coverage of the 2025 Tour de France Femmes and Hommes, see the details of the men's and women's routes.
SCENE: the Palais des Congrès, Paris. The hosts of our entirely fictional fashion/celebrity show are JAXXON BRIGHAM and STEVIA QUAID, two Hollywood reporters who have flown over for what they keep calling ‘cycling’s night of nights’ [never mind that it is held at 11am on a Thursday].
JAXXON is deeply tanned, has had jawmaxxing surgery, has veneers of a whiteness not found in nature, and is wearing a patent leather suit. He opens with a piece to camera out the front of the Palais des Congrès as the cyclists, team managers, minor dignitaries and press file in behind him.
JAXXON BRIGHAM: He-lloooooooo, and welcome to our rolling coverage of cycling’s night of nights! We are here on the red carpet in Paris to bring you all the fashion and fun of this, the 2026 Tour de France route reveal.
He gives an extravagant sweep of his arm as the camera boom sweeps upward to reveal the confused glances of Richard Plugge and Grischa Niermann as they hurry past.
JB: As always I’m joined by my co-host, Stevia Quaid. Stevia, bienvenue!
STEVIA is wearing a completely insane yellow dress, with frilled shoulder cuffs and a newsprint pattern that is a homage to the origins of the Tour de France. She, too, is deeply Californian and toothy.
STEVIA QUAID: Enchantée, Jaxxon. [she gives a coquettish giggle] We’re so excited to be here to see what these top athletes are wearing for the occasion. And we love the Le Tour de France, don’t we, Jaxx?
JB: [fake laughter] Oh Stevia, we do. It’s the Super Bowl of cycling and it’s everything we love about sport. The intrigue! The scenery! The beautiful people! Inject it into our veins.
SQ: [places a flirty hand on Jaxxon’s shoulder] No needles, Jaxx!
JB: [winks at the camera and covers his mouth in mock horror] A slip of the tongue.
SQ: Oh, that is wicked!
Both giggle insufferably.
JB: So, Stevia darling – shall we see who’s wearing what today?
SQ: Jaxx, I’d love that.
The camera pans across to a line of nine cyclists that are standing in wait. None of them look happy to be here.
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